It’s amazing. All the different ways becoming a mother changes EVERYTHING. From your hygiene and elimination habits (see my previous post: my favorite emoji), to what you wear, to what you think about when laying awake at 01:00AM. I used to fall asleep whenever I wanted, wake up whenever I wanted (unless I had work), wear whatever I wanted (the only thing that would prevent a purchase was the price tag, not my body or day-to-day functionality), eat whenever and whatever I wanted, and the list goes on. Why did I ever feel stressed before? What did I do with my days?! Why wasn’t I reading more, visiting friends more, getting outside more?! My ideal day before kids… was lame. Too busy, I’m sure. Jam packed with useless activities and wastes of time and money. Let me just tell you, my ideal day is even MORE lame now. See agenda below.
08:00AM- I slept in! But, in my ideal day, the kids and husband aren’t home. They’ve gone somewhere for the day. I didn’t have to get them up, get them ready or get anyone loaded in the van.
09:00AM- I’m still in bed. Contemplating what to do next. I’ve exhausted scrolling IG. I text my bestie, who is also living her best life today. In my ideal day, she lives 10 minutes away. We agree to meet for brunch somewhere (anywhere) at 11:00AM.
10:00AM- I’m showering. Shaving everything I’ve got except my eyebrows and head. I was only about 1 week away from pulling a Britney (bitch) and shaving my head, though. This ideal day couldn’t have come soon enough. I slowly saunter (through a clean, and completely organized) house. The dog magically isn’t there either. The cat is allowed to be, but he must remain asleep on the couch, not yowling for food. Is there a bunch of flowers on the counter?! My favorite candle burning?! What a thoughtful husband. A note professing his undying love to me and his promise to always put his shit away. Could this day get any better?! It’s about to…
11:00AM- I arrive at the bougie brunch spot, that has relocated for my special day. I don’t have to drive into DC! There are no annoying hipsters or people that sound like hens when they talk. Just educated, calm and patient folk. Quiet. Modest, timeless, and neutral tones. Everyone is in the background, I only have eyes and ears for my bestie.
12:00PM- We’re still eating, enjoying the perfectly prepared food. The menu caters to our every whim so we order a small plate of everything. And the prices are also so affordable today! No body rushes us, refills our mimosas which makes us tipsy but not sick. We’re talking, freely and unencumbered as we haven’t in years. My heart is soaring. I do not have a headache.
01:00PM- We’re starting to wrap up but agree to saunter around town, popping into used book stores, jewelry shops, stationary boutiques and of course: Anthropologie. They’re having their one day only sale: everything 75% off! We buy all the things to revamp our bedrooms and maybe even our bathrooms. Because… I forgot: my never-known-great-uncle died last week and left me beaucoup bucks. Thanks, Uncle Fester.
02:00PM- Wrapping things up downtown, we say reluctant goodbyes. I’m expecting hell when I get home but… it’s my ideal day, remember?!
02:30PM- Everyone has returned home but somehow, everyone is napping. Except my husband. He’s relaxed on the couch, not upset by how his whole day of responsibilities have gone. Grateful I came home. He has the baby monitor and says: “Why don’t you go grab a nap? I got a babysitter and I’m taking you out somewhere at 07:00PM. It’s a secret, I planned the whole thing”. He’s even already taken out cash to pay the babysitter!
04:30PM- I wake up, not groggy but clear headed. Calm. All is quiet, no screams of despair from the downstairs. No babies busting in my room to jump on the bed and land on my stomach. Wow! I sit up and start reading whatever book is on my nightstand. This all is a dream. Please don’t wake me.
05:30PM- My husband gently knocks on the door and says “Why don’t you go get your fingernails and toenails done? I’ve called ahead, they’re waiting for you and I already paid over the phone. Plus tip”.
07:00PM- Mani/Pedi complete. New outfit in place: it doesn’t accentuate my mom gut but it also doesn’t cut into it, either. This magical outfit makes me look hot, somehow, but still allows me to not suck my belly in all night. Babysitter has arrived. My children are sitting calmly, awaiting bedtime, having just completely finished their dinners as we leave.
07:15PM- We arrive at my favorite restaurant. I still don’t have a headache. I’m wide awake and rested from my nap. We sit and eat a delicious meal, that doesn’t make us sick, and talk. He actually asks me questions and awaits my response. He is genuinely listening and interested in what I have to say. The wine is making everything shimmer, but I’m not dreading an early hangover: this is my ideal day.
09:00PM- Dinner was memorable. He proposed again, I said maybe. So, he sweetened the deal with some tasteful, but expensive gold jewelry. I told him I’d have an answer the next day. I’m in clean pajamas that don’t make me sweat the bed. The sheets and comforters are clean and fluffed out. I have chosen a disgusting horror movie to watch, and plan to fall asleep halfway through. My husband offers to scratch my head, but doesn’t make me lay in an awkward angle so it’s easier for him. He puts himself at the awkward angle to make sure I’m comfortable. There is no laundry pile on the loveseat in our room. He smells good, and has nice breath.
10:00PM- I’m sound asleep. I do not wake up at midnight and 0400AM to my 2 year old screaming for water, or because I’ve sweat through my tee shirt. I will wake up at my normal 06:30AM/07:00AM.
THE NEXT DAY: I awaken at 07:00AM to screaming, loud and hard. The dog has pissed the kitchen, the cat threw up on the stairs, both my daughters wet their bed and my husband has a stomach virus. I won’t have time to change out of my pajamas, so I throw my hair into a bun that will remain their for 1 week. Back to business as usual.
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